My heart is so full and happy right now. I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this time in my life. And that feels good.

I think about Haiti and the orphanage in Gonaives every day. Praying for them. Trying to find the part of me that I can bring to them, hoping to bring a part of them home with me. I think Haiti will plant itself in my heart in a way that I can't even imagine now. I'm so grateful for this opportunity. And found out yesterday that there will be many more opportunities to go over the next 3 years so I'm already trying to figure out a way to go back.

Travel preparations are underway. I'm expecting my passport to arrive any day now. I saw my doctor today and got my first Hep A vaccine, a prescription for malaria meds and something to help me stay calm on the plane. Still need to pick up a decent backpack and a good pair of walking sandals.

~be happy~

Haiti Day Four: Church and Kaliko

So I'd like to invite you to church with me. We'll be in a large open air concrete building, no air conditioning, no fans, near 100 degree temperatures. You'll be sitting hip to hip on hard wooden benches with no backs and at least one or two kids hanging on you or sitting on your lap. The service will be almost entirely in Creole. Oh... and it will last 3-1/2 hours. Any takers?





That's exactly what we did Sunday morning and guess what? In spite of every thing I've just told you, it was wonderful and one of the high points of this trip. The music and singing were lively. Everyone clapped and lifted their hands and danced. And they were very prayerful. And they wore their Sunday best. And it was packed. And when we let out, there was another group waiting to get in for the second service.

I wish I had pictures, but I just didn't want to disrupt the service and the worship. These people have a heart and a love for God like nothing I've ever seen. They may be the poorest nation in the Western hemisphere, but they are rich in spirit and I admire them for that.

After church, we left Gonaives and started the long drive back to Port au Prince. We had early morning flights to catch. We drove for nearly 4 hours and stopped at a place called Kaliko Beach Club.

It was beautiful and on the Caribbean Sea. It was hard to believe we were in the same country of poverty and destruction and garbage everywhere. We walked in the sand, some went swimming, dinner was a wonderful buffet. We had our final bead ceremony on the beach. I caught myself almost feeling guilty. But I think this stay was intentional, to teach us something. Haiti was once called the Pearl of the Caribbean. It was a beautiful, lush, tropical paradise. And there are a few places where you can really get a sense of how beautiful it could be there again with the proper care. Haiti is a country full of contrasts.

Haiti has been used and used by others until it is now seemingly all used up. It's time to give back. Time to take care of the people there. Time to take care of the children there and raise up a new generation who will love God and will love their country and the people there and who will fight to rebuild and make it what it once was.

I have been blessed to be a part of this team that went. It was hard. Probably the most difficult thing I've ever done. But in my weakness, God can do great things. And He did. He did a great work in my heart and I know I will never be the same. I thought I was going to Haiti to work and give, but I truly received so much more. We went to love the children, but the love they gave us was immeasurable. Haiti, in spite of the poverty and destruction and trash, is a beautiful, soulful place.

And God is there.

I'm certain of it.

I can't wait to go back.

What I Know

I know that God has created me in such a way that my heart breaks for those in our world who don't have enough to eat, those who live in abject poverty, the oppressed, lost children, those who are marginalized. He has given me a gift of mercy that draws me to the down-and-out people of the world, whether their problems be physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental. I'm a caretaker.

I know that God's heart also breaks for those who are poor, oppressed, fatherless, and widowed. The Bible is full of passages telling us so. He also instructs us to care for those who are considered "less than."

I know that the country of Haiti is made up of a people who have been oppressed for a very long time. Oppression by other countries as well as their own government. The general population lack the very things needed just to survive, much less so the resources necessary to effect any significant change in their country. When your daily focus is on making sure you and your family have enough to eat or a safe place to sleep, you can't really spend energy considering how to improve your quality of life beyond that.

I know that my time spent in Haiti was brief, but in that short time there, I fell in love. I don't want to go back so I can show them a better way. I don't only want to give them the things that they need. Is it too bold of me to say that I want to go back because my desire is to change Haiti? As a country? Was David considered "too bold" to go out on his own and slay a giant? Many thought so. But he did it because his heart was focused on serving God in whatever way he was called. I don't seriously presume that I will be the one to slay the giant that lords over Haiti right now, but I can go and hold those children so that they know that in this world, they were loved by someone. I can do my part to ensure they are given an education and perhaps taught a skill so that they will be able to have jobs when they become adults.

I know that I'm not alone on this. Everyone on the team that went is feeling called to do their part. I know that we have the leadership of the church supporting us. I'm so thankful for that.

I believe our congregation will be supportive as well and that many will also want to go and do their part.

I don't know what our ministry in Haiti will look like. I'm not sure where in Haiti we will be serving. I'm not sure how long it will take to get something established there or where the funding will come from or who else we may partner with. I don't even know how long our involvement with Haiti will be.

But I don't really need to know these things. Yet. God has shown us the next step to take and that's as far as we need to see into the future. We'll be having meetings and conversations with those who accompanied us on the trip, also with those we met along the way. We will probably need to send teams 3 or 4 times over the course of the next year to also catch the vision and do research. My prayer is that this time next year, we'll have a clearer vision of our calling.

Pursuit of Prayer

A coworker of 15 years has become a dear friend. We have gone through a lot together, always supportive one another. Our lunch dates have been known to last for up to 3 hours and we are always surprised when one of us finally looks at the time. It's been a wonderful friendship.

But over the past couple of years, things have changed. She has become more and more withdrawn over time. She is busy with life, grandbabies, an elderly mother. My attempts at getting us together are fruitless. She is either too busy to make a commitment or cancels at the last minute.

After another rejected attempt to connect last week, I began to pout. My feelings were hurt. Why doesn't she value our friendship any longer? I have continued over the past two years to call, email, send cards and the responses I get are polite but very brief and to the point. I long for those long lunches where we shared everything with one another. Why do I even bother to try anymore?

Then I started thinking about my relationship with God. And how many days I get so busy with life, my responsibilities, my own desires that I don't respond to his promptings, his calls, his attempts to connect with me. How many times have I offered up a quick but polite prayer when what he wanted was to spend that long luxurious time with me. Time when we could get caught up and share everything with one another. I wondered, do his feelings get hurt? Does he get frustrated and just want to give up on having a relationship with me?

I know that when I am not obedient in heeding his call to prayer, it does indeed grieve his Spirit. But I also know he will never give up on his relationship with me. His love is everlasting, his pursuit of a relationship with me, tireless.

O Lord, forgive me for not being more responsive to your calls to prayer. I pray that I will be transformed into being the kind of daughter who runs to her Father's arms without hesitation and always with the expectation of precious time of communion with you.

Memorize the Moments

May 1, 2017

This day 43 years ago I became a mother for the first time.  I can barely stand to think back over the years I've spent growing up with my son. It's frightening how fast it all went and I have loved every step along the way.  So many moments I wish I could go back and live again.  Not to do over, though I made plenty of mistakes.  Just to go back and feel the joy of every moment watching him grow up.   I feel the same about the rest of my children: a daughter, then another son, then another daughter.  I was so busy worrying about so many things and just trying to keep it all together, I didn't take time to stop and memorize moments.



On the other end of the spectrum, today is also the 24th anniversary of my mother's death.  She died just shy of her 58th birthday.  I turned 60 this year and my heart grieves that she never made it to the age I am now.  It's like I had guidance from her all the way up until my 58th birthday and now there is a void.  And just like with my children, I would give anything to go back and relive the moments with her and cherish those times more.  But I was so busy with life, I didn't take time to stop and memorize the moments. 

I love the life I had with my parents.  I love that my mom was around to give me advise for as long as she was.  I imagine there is always going to be some regret when looking back, but mostly I feel grateful.  Grateful for my parents and the typical 1960s family we grew up in.  Grateful for my children and the grandchildren they have given me.  And really, just grateful for my life. 

Different but the Same

April 26, 2017

As I sit here at dawn drinking my morning coffee with the back door open, I'm listening to the birds singing their good mornings.  I'm still enjoying the one who is a new song to me -- three descending minor notes with a little trill at the end -- I believe it is a white-throated sparrow, but I haven't been able to spot her yet.  I love waking up this way and as I smile and enjoy the hope of a new day, a lesson comes to mind. 

I am grateful to God the Creator for the great diversity all around us for us to enjoy and learn from.  I reflect on all the different kinds of birds there are, each with its own look, its own way of living and nesting, and each with its own song.  Yet they are all birds, a part of the same species, a part of the same family and there is something to appreciate in each of them. 

So it should be with humans.  We each have our own look, our own way of living, and sing our own songs but still a part of the same human family. But oftentimes, we focus on our differences and when we do that it breeds judgment, competition, jealousy -- all the things that drive us apart.  Maybe we need to be more like the birds who live together in this one world, allowing one another to live their own way.  We need to look more for what we have in common while learning to appreciate the differences without the judgment, competition and jealousy because "they"don't live the same way as "we" do. We need to be more concerned about how we are living our own lives and not worry so much about how others live theirs.